A man and a woman are seated facing each other. He is eating a cookie, while she talks. Between them there is a vase with a bouquet of red roses.

Empathic listening

Establish a deeper connection to your partner using empathic listening. Here’s how, in five easy steps.

In this blog post, our couples therapist Natalie Bergman talks about empathetic listening techniques.

Meet the author

Headshot of Natalie Bergman, Registered Psychologist and Certified Play Therapist

Natalie Bergman, MA, RPsych
COUPLES THERAPIST

Practice empathic listening: the secret to a deeper connection

One of the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is empathic listening.

This technique is all about deeply engaging with your partner’s feelings and experiences to foster understanding and connection. Here’s how to practice empathic listening to transform your relationship.

1. Truly hear what your partner is saying

Empathic listening means giving your full attention to your partner when they’re speaking.

It’s more than just hearing their words—it’s about understanding the emotions and thoughts behind those words.

2. Reflect back their emotions

When your partner shares something with you, reflect back on what you’re hearing.
For example, if they say they’re feeling overwhelmed, you might respond with,
“It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now.”

3. Validate their perspective

Empathic listening involves acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective.
Validating their experience means recognizing that their feelings are real and important.

4. Avoid problem-solving

Sometimes, when we listen to someone’s problems, our first instinct is to offer solutions.
However, empathic listening focuses on understanding and validating rather than
jumping straight to problem-solving.
This helps your partner feel heard and supported.

5. Respond with empathy and care

Show compassion in your responses.
Phrases like, “I can see how that would be really tough for you” or “I understand why you feel that way,”
help your partner feel valued and understood.

Tips for practicing empathic listening

Ask open-ended questions

Encourage your partner to express their feelings more deeply with questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”

Reflect and summarize

Use phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “What I’m hearing is…” to summarize and reflect back their emotions.

Be patient and present

Allow your partner the time to express themselves fully without interrupting or rushing to respond.

Reference

Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Little, Brown and Company.

Need some help growing your relational empathy skills?

It sounds like you are both struggling. That must be so tough.
Our couples counsellors can help.

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