A man and a woman sitting side by side in a couples therapist office. The expressions on their faces reflect emotional distress. The back of the therapist's head appears in the foreground.

Why are we fighting about the same thing,
again and again?

If it feels like a pattern, it might be.
Understanding why this might be happening,
can help you break the cycle.

In this blog post, our clinic’s Natalie Bergman points out why couples often fight repeatedly about the same issues.

Meet the author

Headshot of Natalie Bergman, Registered Psychologist and Certified Play Therapist

Natalie Bergman, MA, RPsych
COUPLES THERAPIST

Meet the editor & copywriter

Ana Hoepfner

Ana Hoepfner, BEc
COMMUNICATIONS

Stuck in the same fights over and over?

Have you ever wondered why you and your partner seem to argue about the same things over and over again? Repetitive conflicts are a common issue in relationships, and they can leave you feeling stuck, exhausted, and increasingly frustrated.

Understanding the dynamics behind couples’ repetitive fights

Understanding the dynamics behind these fights can help you break the cycle and build a stronger connection. Here are five reasons why this might be happening, based on insights from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

1. The dance of emotional patterns.

If neither of us likes to fight, why do these negative patterns happen (over and over again!) in our relationship? They often stem from attachment styles developed in childhood.

In EFT, we often talk about the “dance” that couples engage in during conflicts. This dance is a pattern of emotional responses that each partner has developed over time. These patterns are usually rooted in deeper emotional needs, such as the need for security, love, or validation. When these needs aren’t met, partners often react in predictable ways—one might withdraw, while the other pursues, leading to a repetitive cycle of conflict.

2. Attachment needs drive behaviour.

At the core of EFT is the idea that attachment needs drive our behaviour in relationships. When these needs are threatened, our natural response is to either fight to have them met or withdraw to protect ourselves. This creates a cycle where each partner’s actions trigger the other’s defenses, leading to repetitive arguments.

3. Misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Repetitive fights often stem from misunderstandings and miscommunication. Partners might misinterpret each other’s actions, attributing negative intentions where none exist. This can lead to defensive behaviour and escalation of the conflict. For instance, one partner might perceive a request as a criticism, leading them to respond defensively, which then fuels the cycle of arguing.

4. Emotional triggers from the past.

Sometimes, the repetitive nature of conflicts is fueled by emotional triggers from past experiences. These triggers can cause partners to react strongly to certain situations, even if the current conflict doesn’t fully warrant it. EFT helps couples identify and understand these triggers, allowing them to respond more compassionately and break the cycle.

5. Fear of vulnerability.

One of the reasons fights become repetitive is the fear of vulnerability. Partners may find it difficult to express their true feelings—like fear, sadness, or insecurity—because they fear being hurt or rejected. Instead, they might express anger or frustration, which leads to the same old fights. EFT encourages couples to share their deeper emotions, helping to create a more authentic and empathetic connection.

Just like “Groundhog Day”, repetitive fights can feel exhausting, but they don’t have to define your relationship. By identifying and understanding your emotional patterns and working together to address them, you and your partner can break the cycle and move towards a more secure, connected, and fulfilling relationship.

Reference

Johnson, S. M. (2019). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.

How would no longer having the same fights feel?

Booking a couples counselling session is the first step towards finding out.

Book a couples counselling appointment